i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize