Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
