Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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