I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
