what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
