Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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