Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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