So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
