Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
