I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
