I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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