Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was born a porn star she said
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
