I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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