I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
