She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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