I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
