i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
