I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
