I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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