No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
