I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
