Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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