Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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