You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Alive.
So much puke
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
