Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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