Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
