sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Drunk is not a location!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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