the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
MIDGETS
????
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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