Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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