Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
