Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
