Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
