the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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