somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
