I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
