I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
