ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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