That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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