There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
