So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
