woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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