I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
