I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
