If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
look no pants
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
