the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
