apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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