He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
last night I used snow as a chaser
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
