He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
