hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Don't make out with my wife yet
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
