the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
