this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
