I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
