I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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