its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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