At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
