i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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