I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize