dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
