Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
