she looked like the bat from fern gully.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
