yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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