I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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