I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
wrigley field is MILF paradise
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize