i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
