Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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